Yo mama's feet are so scaly that they filmed Crocodile Dundee in her footbath.

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.



5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."



10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.

You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

All the names in your little black book end with MD.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"